Am feeling quite perky today, not so exhausted. My moontime keeps dragging on though, not really anything but enough if you gals know what I mean. I’ve been thinking about my reaction to the ‘telling off’ my Shaman instructor gave me. Yesterday I drew the Crystal Ally card ‘Tourmaline’ and here’s an interesting part I read in the interpretation/meaning:
When you create your experience in the moment, you no longer feel the need to judge yourself or others. We become judgemental by interpreting current situations through our own past energetic and emotional experiences. When one is in a state of Inner Peace, there is no emotion based upon the past or the future; only the present. This freedom from old patterns allows you to accept others for what they truly are in the moment.
See, here’s the thing. I was viewing my instructors response to my drumming experience through a past childhood filter, one in which I always did things wrong and got told off/punished for taking my own initiative. This allowed very low self-esteem to set in and in adulthood I tend to filter things through this same childhood experience, which makes me feel worthless and then I beat myself up.
Ok, the instructor is right – I do not yet have a Guardian Spirit to accompany me down to the Lower World but I do not need one to traverse the Middle World (the one that kind of runs parallel to mundane reality). And in any case I was being protected by the spirits who barred my way into the Lower World because they knew I was not yet ready for this journey. But the journey I took in the Middle World was still shamanic and still very useful to me. Even though I do not yet have a specific Guardian Spirit, I still have spirit helpers protecting me. I am not going to beat myself up over this and feel as if I’ve done something terribly wrong. I did the journey and drummed because my inner Self called me to do it. Yes, I was going along with the instructor’s post on drumming each day (or trying to) and I took her at her word because she did not say ‘not yet’ in the post. If she had said that I would have refrained from drumming. But here’s another thing. Shamans don’t always drum with a view to journeying into the Lower/Upper Worlds. Sometimes they drum for a song, a poem, a story or to traverse the Middle World for insights and knowledge too. I do suspect (or really know) that part of my desire to drum was from ego reasons – I ‘wanted’ to! But I also ‘needed’ to and that came from inside me, an inner desire.
So, the next time I do something and end up beginning to beat myself up over it I’m asking myself what I’m filtering the experience through. Most likely past childhood experiences, which cause me to feel less than confident and knock my fragile self-esteem. I think doing this will help me at last begin to live in the present moment.
Along with Tourmaline, as my Crystal Ally this week, I am being strongly called by Bloodstone too. In fact this stone has been calling me for a while now, but lately even stronger. It is telling me to have ‘Courage’ and ‘Inner Strength’. I have a large chunk of natural Bloodstone that I keep stroking and touching.
Bloodstone, also known as Heliotrope, is an opaque variety of Chalcedony. The colour is dark green or grey with deep “blood-red” spots or blotch-type markings.
The frequency of Bloodstone connects to the base chakra. It allows one to be fully grounded within one’s physical body by aiding with physical strength and vitality.
The energy of Bloodstone supports one emotionally by helping one to have courage to do what one “knows” is “right” and “true” and to allow one to stay focused on one’s correct spiritual path by finding an “inner strength”.
Bloodstone helps to purify one’s energy fields of negativity by bringing balance to one’s being. As the name implies, Bloodstone is helpful for blood related issues such as anaemia. It also helps to stabilise female hormonal imbalances and the menopause.
I am relating this attraction to my need to stop wimping about and get on with the creative projects I need to do (especially for Lesson 16). I don’t begin because I’m afraid of it all turning out wrong and failing. But in actual fact I’m failing because I’m too scared to begin. So Bloodstone is telling me ‘take courage and BEGIN’. It’s still an uncomfortable place for me though. So often in all my years I’ve been afraid to ‘do’ because I’ve been afraid of messing up, failing or getting a bad reaction from others. This again is a feeling filtered through a past childhood lens.
I’ve just begun reading a super new book called The View Through The Medicine Wheel by Leo Rutherford. It’s a really interesting book that explains the different ‘maps’ the Medicine Wheel presents to us. It’s written from the Native American viewpoint of course but it is interesting to note that many other indigenous cultures had, and still do have, the wheel or circle as a map. The Celts for one, and of course the Ancient Britons who built the fantastic henges that we all know of in England today (Stonehenge, Avebury etc). The circle is universal!