Been a little while since I’ve written in my journal. Guess I’ve been busy. Today is the New Moon but also the Lunar Samhain. Somehow it feels better to be celebrating this Sabbat today rather than on the 31st October, which is Halloween too. Perhaps this coming year I will follow the Lunar Sabbat dates as well…who knows. I’m trying to keep everything open and just be in the moment. I feel kind of better being like this. In some ways it helps me to keep stable and far less anxious.
What to talk about first? Seems there are a few things. I am really loving the Shamanism Class even though there is masses of work and yes, it does make me feel a little overwhelmed. I really thought I’d never get this week’s work finished but you know what? Just by staying in the moment I accomplished it all with some very exciting results. Apart from the written work we had two exercises to do. One was a drumming/meditation exercise where we had to compare the two experiences. The other was finding the Assemblage Point, which helps us shift from one perspective to another.
This exercise was extremely interesting. I have to say I’m in love with drumming. The difference between my meditation and drumming is marked for me.
I drummed for about 23 minutes (timer on). At first I felt self conscious but after a while I became lost in the sound of the drum. I concentrated on the sound of the drum only. The vibrations seemed very powerful and kind of hypnotic. Suddenly it appeared to be made of butter. Then I briefly turned into an insect, a fly. I found no entrance way to the Lower World other than at one point I flew into a cauldron, and another time there was a kid’s slide with a hole at the bottom of it. But once I slid down the slide the hole disappeared. Although I drummed for 23 minutes I could have gone on for much longer as I seemed to lose all track of time and when the timer sounded I was really surprised I’d been drumming for that long. It seemed only a few minutes really. Also I found the drumming pretty easy, drumming with quite a fast beat and I only missed the beat a few times. During the drumming I felt elated and afterwards I did too.
For the second part of the exercise I meditated for about 25 minutes and fairly easily got into a state of ‘quiet mind’ by continually focusing on my breathing (exhalation). I’m finding it a lot easier now to switch off mundane/intrusive thoughts. During the meditation I’m no where. I do not ‘see’ or visualise anything. But I also feel very receptive, not quite an ’empty vessel’ but something like that. Suddenly I hear a voice say ‘Badger’ to me. And a Badger’s head appears and disappears. The voice is not known to me, not mine or anyone I know. Then nothing again until I come out of the meditation. I feel calm and peaceful yet also alert and refreshed.
The differences between the drumming and meditation are the passage of time, fast with the drumming but slow with the meditation. Also ‘things’ happened quite quickly during the drumming. The difference in how I felt afterwards; quite excited and elated after drumming but calmer and more peaceful after the meditation. I would also say I actually felt more relaxed during drumming even though I drummed for 23 minutes. My drumming hand was not tired, nor did it particularly ache. During meditation I could feel parts of my body tense, my legs and stomach, so I had to concentrate on relaxing those.
Assemblage Point Exercise
Well, this exercise was absolutely fascinating. I am going to be honest and say I didn’t think I’d find my Assemblage point. Not because I don’t believe it’s there but because I don’t ever seem very successful in this kind of thing…what a terrible mindset.
Anyway, I really tried hard to change my mindset before I did this exercise, a few minutes of relaxing and clearing my mind. Then I performed the exercise by enlarging the Luminous Energy Field. After I did this part I actually felt less constricted somehow. I felt around for a bit for the Assemblage Point, and found what seemed to be a denser bit of energy on the right side of my face, near my right cheekbone. But I continued feeling around to make sure. After not feeling anything else like this, nor any tingling etc I assumed that this denser piece of energy, which was kind of rounded and fit into my palm with my fingers nearly outstretched, was in fact the Assemblage Point. So I moved it, first up to the Soul Star Chakra and then down to my Root Chakra. I immediately felt different, more grounded. I then repeated the list of statements and was kind of like ‘whatever’ and sceptical and rather disinterested. But when I moved it back to the Soul Star everything changed. I felt lighter, accepting, peaceful and when I read the list of statements slowly to myself I felt joy. When I moved the Assemblage Point to my Sacral Centre I didn’t feel anything. Then I moved it to my Third Eye and felt similar feelings to those that I’d felt when the Assemblage Point was at the Soul Star. At no time did I feel any tingling or any kind of physical sensation. It was more an ‘inner’ kind of feeling throughout. I then moved the Assemblage Point back to where I found it.
This is a great exercise. But I have an important lesson to learn (one of many I’m sure) and that is to not be so doubting of myself or the Universe.
I wonder what my instructor will make of my experiences?
As I mentioned before, a dear friend here sent me two beautiful stones recently, Master Shamanite and Black Merlinite. Both to aid me in my Shamanic Journeys. Well, I made a charm pendant out of them (which is also something I had to do for my current 2nd Degree lesson – make a charm). So I strung them both on a black cord and then tied some bronze cockerel feathers (that kind of look like butterfly wings) to the cord and topped it off with a Red Jasper stone. A simple charm but I am very pleased with it. I wore it when I did my drumming and will always wear it just for that; my Shamanic Journey drumming charm.
I’ve also been reading The 13 Original Clan Mothers by Jamie Sams. Whirling Thunder directed me to this book and I’m so glad I got it. It’s so full of wisdom and the stories in it hold me enthralled. If you want to impart wisdom then tell a story! Of course that’s very Bardic!
On a more psychological level I’ve noticed something happening between me and Elendil Star (my daughter). something that has of course been happening for some time now, if not years but it’s only recently hit me between the eyes and I don’t like it. Each of our moods trigger the other. for example, if she is in a depressed, low mood then my mood becomes low and depressed. And vice versa. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to happen with good moods. It seems we are entangled emotionally this way and I don’t quite know what to do about it. If I try to distance myself she accuses me of becoming cold and distant. Even though she hasn’t cut in a long time now I am still constantly worried she will. But what can I do? If she’s going to then she’s going to and worrying constantly isn’t helping me. Instead it makes me feel resentful and on edge. I feel emotionally tangled up with her and I don’t want to be but I don’t know how to extricate myself. People say we are so lucky to be so close but sometimes this closeness is stifling. Sometimes it’s as if we are not two separate people but one person, or joined at the hip and that’s not how it should be. Personally I feel our relationship is rather co-dependant and has been for a very long time. That’s not to say I don’t love her because I do – very much! Why do I need to say that? It always feels as if I have to justify myself for being honest.
Meadowhawk is going to be here soon in 5 weeks and I am so excited and cannot wait to be with him again. He is quite low at present because of not having a computer and not being able to be here at Sacred Mists. Work is very hard to find and he is having to work a long way from home. The travelling around takes its toll on him and he’s very tired. It will be so good for him to have 6 weeks of just rest…he sure needs it!