Wow! So much to talk about. First, some GREAT news; Meadowhawk is coming over for Yule! He arrives in England on the 19th December and doesn’t go back until the 8th February 2010…six whole weeks. I’m so very excited. It is going to be wonderful to see and be with him again. I’m so happy he can be here for Yule. We plan on having our own Yule Ritual and celebration. Now he actually has his ticket the count down is on.
The second exciting thing is that I’ve been accepted on to a Shamanism course, starting November. This class was quite hard to get into and I had to write a short essay on why I felt I should be accepted onto the class. It’s being taught by a Shaman of 25 years experience. I’m really excited about this but also a little nervous too because to be honest I don’t know what kinds of experiences I will have but I feel sure that this is what I’m meant to do in order to know myself better and to heal…journey into the dark! The course entail reading the book The Way of The Shaman and using a drumming cd as well as one’s own drum (if we have one – which I have so that’s great). It’s also quite demanding and intensive but only lasts for 9 weeks. I’m not sure I can learn everything in just 9 weeks but it is a beginner’s class. There is an intermediate class afterwards that I can sign up for if I want to continue.
As this is the time of year where one begins to look inwards I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the goals I wanted to achieve this year. To be honest, I haven’t achieved too many because I know I’ve gone off at tangents and haven’t remained very focused on them. Something I read in the book The Cauldron of Memory by Grimassi is pertinent here:
In ancient tales there is a theme about being ‘fairy led’ into a thicket and becoming lost. It is all too easy to drop our work and chase our delights. But when the hero is mindful of purpose and intent, and is not willing to give in to distraction and temptation, then he or she bypasses the pitfalls and arrives in good time at the desired goal.
This seems so true of me this year. I made my goals but got distracted and unfocused thus becoming ‘lost’ and as a result I haven’t really achieved what I wanted to. so I need to bear this in mind for the coming new year. To make my goals achievable but also focus on them and not allow myself to get distracted by life and new projects that seem enticing.
I think another problem of mine is that I tend to expect outcomes almost immediately. I forget that knowing myself and healing is really an ongoing task and not one that will be realised in a couple of path workings or a few weeks. I need to have the patience and stamina needed for such things. I know I am a person who always tends to want instant results. I’ve been told this is a symptom of having a personality disorder and my mother always used to say to me that I never finished anything I began. I do see this as a fault of mine and need to somehow get passed this. How to do it? Well, if I set myself smaller, more achievable goals then I’d see the results quicker wouldn’t I and then maybe I wouldn’t get bored and side tracked and go off at tangents.
In working on myself I know this isn’t going to be over in a short while…it is a journey, so there’s no point in setting a time limit on that. But maybe I can set interim goals, like the Shamanism class which is only for 9 weeks. This is why I’m looking forward to the next New Moon ritual so that I can reflect and perhaps set myself some smaller, achievable goals for the coming year.
I’m not doing to great on the physical front. My gall bladder and ulcer are really playing up and causing me considerable discomfort and pain. Yesterday I was in so much pain that it was hard for me even to do the Oracle Study chat. Still no word on when I’m going to have my operation but I truly hope it’s soon. Mentally I’m having good days and bad days, which is usual I suppose. I feel my moods are swinging around a bit and am not sure when I need my meds readjusting. Or it could just be that I am more open to working on myself internally now. I know I’m still always so tired but this could be due to the fact that I find it so hard to get out of the house…I’m more or less a recluse now and only venture out when I have to (eg. to therapy) and that is really hard enough. I hope I’m not like this when Meadowhawk comes over but I don’t think I will be because I wasn’t before. But as soon as he went back I became a recluse again. While he was here I didn’t really have any big problem going out and about with him and it was really good, although mixing with a lot of people made me rather anxious. This ‘recluse’ side of myself really frustrates me.