Wow! So much is happening and I feel rather like I’m on a roller coaster of feelings and emotions. One minute I’m feeling very dark and depressed and the next my mood lightens and I feel better. I’m not sure if this is to do with my meds, my illness or what. I have missed so much therapy recently because of feeling so depressed and disconnected. I have to make a commitment to go back next week. I am finding it hard to look after myself and keep trying to figure out why. Then my mood changes and I have a burst of energy and everything seems better. Having Elendil’s boyfriend living here does bring its own problems, not really any deep ones just space really. This house is so small and I now feel more claustrophobic in here. I know I should go out but I haven’t for weeks, it is so hard for me to venture out into the big wide world – all those people and their energies bombarding me. But shutting myself away is not the answer either.
Anyway, I was REALLY surprised this morning to find an email for a ten dollar gift certificate for the SM Shoppe in my inbox. I have been honoured with the title of Caretaker of the Grove for my participation within Sacred Mists community. I am truly honoured although this was not something I was consciously striving for. I just post as per usual. My participation here is very important to me – Sacred Mists is my family, my safe haven, my bulwark so to speak. Sometimes I feel I go around here unnoticed but really I don’t. I don’t feel I’m ‘in the forefront’ so to speak but just post away quietly as and when I’m able to or moved to. I guess it all builds up and also I guess people do notice and appreciate my presence. Anyway, I am very honoured to be here and to be given this new title. I will carry on just doing what I usually do, in the back ground for this is my way.
I am very much looking forward to the Full Moon ritual tomorrow night. I have yet to make my incense but I am well prepared for it in other ways. Am going to make my usual Moon Water. I use this for cleansing my crystals and so forth but also watering my plants. I’m also very much looking forward to the build up to Samhain, with the extra rituals we will be having. And of course the SM First Degree Initiations. How could I forget that. Well, I haven’t. It is on my mind constantly. Not because I’m doubting my decision but really because I’m excited although I still have to prepare for it and should be getting on with that otherwise I’m going to leave it to the very last minute as usual. Initiating into Sacred Mists is a big thing. I will go from being part of a college community/outer circle into the actual Coven of Sacred Mists. I wonder what is in store for me? Sometimes it’s hard to separate my feelings about the circle from my feelings about the Coven. For example, I don’t always agree with how much advertising the Shoppe gets but that hasn’t got anything to do with initiating into the Sacred Mists Tradition. In any organisation there will be things one doesn’t always like but I feel a lot of loyalty to Sacred Mists and I do understand why things need to be done the way they are…not always at the time but after some reflection I do. I know one thing for sure, and without doubt, it is love and trust that is the motivation behind SM and for that I am eternally grateful.
Ok…here’s a quote that I think LRM posted the other day:
The strength of your will is measured by your ability to respond (rather than react) to your environment. When you embrace life, and when you can willingly experience it as it is, then you will have embraced Our Lady of the Stars.” – Gerald del Campo
I have thought a lot about this quote because it is very important. I know that when I ‘react’ to things everything seems to go ‘tits up’ so to speak. When I respond things are better…they may not always go smoothly but I can keep my peace intact. One of the problematic things about my illness is that I react far too often, which gets me absolutely nowhere. But I have to ‘consciously’ choose to respond (it doesn’t come naturally for me I’m afraid). This means I have to actually meditate and think about ‘how’ to respond rather than react, which often take a little time. It also means I have to consciously walk away from certain situations for a time. Of course I know I react far too often, especially recently with my mood swings. I ‘know’ these things, it’s the putting them into practise that’s hard.