Today is a better day – at least a little bit. My daughter and I were able to have a good chat and it was good and we cleared the air a bit. I think Thunder is absolutely right in that I am mourning the ‘loss’ of my old role and trying to establish my new role as friend rather than ‘mother’. I don’t think I’d even realised I was going through the grieving process but I think she’s absolutely right. This helps me a lot to know this actually. I also think my frame of mind right now is a lot to do with not having my meds and this darn illness I’ve got (bronchitis/sinus problems and horrid cold). I’m feeling low and bogged down and then have horrible mood swings.
I also think Thunder is right in saying that the skull is coming to me at the right time. I held off a long while from purchasing it because I didn’t want it to be just another whim purchase but the pull it has on me is great and I asked my pendulum the other day if I should get it and it most definitely said yes. Certain things come into our lives at just the right time so I believe. I’m excited about bringing him/her home and looking forward to working with him/her.
Today’s card from The Enchanted Oracle Deck is Dragoness. Yes, I can be a rotten old dragon at times I’m afraid. I do try not to be though. I do have a temper on me and can be rather horrid at times. I think that this is because I get frustrated and don’t know how to release my frustration in an appropriate and positive way. Last night I really wanted to self harm by cutting myself. I was sobbing and having a huge panic attack and just wanted to release my anger and frustration at myself and my daughter through the release of my own blood. But I didn’t. I did not succumb to the urge I’m pleased to say. Instead I pounded the keyboard writing in my private journal and then went and mixed some herbs. I also did a bit of tidying up in the early hours of the morning…and I am proud of myself although the feelings of release I get when I used to cut are something I would still like to have. I’m being honest here.
Anyway, back to the Dragoness card – am I predator or prey? I think there is an unconscious inclination for me to be a bit of a predator where my daughter is concerned. Yes – I need to watch what I say and my actions. This means staying in a quiet place internally and really thinking through what I say and do before I say and do things. Not easy but I know I can do it because I’ve done it before. Sometimes though I forget with all the thoughts swirling around in my head. But today she and I were able to sit down and chat, enjoy each other’s company and clear the air. I realised that it’s my own frustration that does seem to cause a lot of the problems but I also think that at times she just is totally oblivious to the effects her actions have on me.
I am moving into a different role now where she is concerned. not so much mother (although I’ll always be her mother) but rather that of a friend. I have to let go and mourn the loss of my old role. This isn’t easy for me because I want to protect and fiercely so (like the dragon). However, today I am feeling a little more hopeful and a little more centred.