Had a really good insight into my present mood and behaviour at therapy today. For a while now I’ve been in a bad place, very depressed, lethargic, extremely tired and not looking after myself (like eating very much at all, not caring for myself) and staying indoors. Like a vicious circle each day was getting worse and worse until I’ve been having a few suicidal thoughts. In talking to my therapist today I realised that this all got much worse once Elendil began to go out with her present boyfriend, and I’m angry with her for staying away so much. I feel abandoned! I felt like this too when she was going out with her last boyfriend, even though he lived with us. This sense of abandonment is always very strong in me. But it’s not really her I’m angry with, it’s my mother for abandoning me to boarding school when I was 9 years old. I have a lot of anger towards my mother about this.I’ve projected this anger onto Elendil and misplaced it. Of course now my mother is passed over and I carry this anger inside me all the time. Not only that but when I’m in this dark place it’s as though I’m rebelling – showing my mother I can do what I want, only what I do isn’t very healthful and positive. I get a sense that in a lot of ways I was never allowed to be a ‘normal’ child when I was little. My day was structured around what my mother thought was right and ‘children should be seen and not heard’ and that was definitely so in my young life. So my task is the next time I begin to go into my dark place and do certain things (like not eating or going out) I need to ask myself what am I trying to communicate? By the time I left therapy I felt in a much better place and am so glad I went.