Since Meadowhawk has gone back to the US I’ve been feeling increasingly more depressed and anxious. I’ve been worrying a lot about our future together, the hurdles we’ll have to jump through with immigration and all that. Plus just missing him terribly, worrying about Elendil’s mental health and my own. It got to the point where I’ve started going backwards again becoming a recluse and not looking after myself. I made great progress while he was here and I’m very proud of myself for that. I did begin to keep up the momentum for a few days but it was easy to slip back into old patterns that felt ‘safe and comfortable’ to me, even though they are not healthy for me. Feeling stuck and as if I’m drowning in quick sand is not something I like, feeling really out of balance just makes me feel like I’m a failure and so irritable and it makes me worry more and miss Meadowhawk more. I came to the conclusion a few days ago that I’m really obsessing about things and these thoughts are taking me over to the extent that I do nothing else. So what to do?
Well, I did a reading using the Druid Plant Oracle Deck and the Pentagram spread. My question was ‘What are my inner blocks at this time and how do I overcome them’. I think I already know what some of them are and I suppose I really wanted to do this reading for clarification and to gain insight into what I can do about them, for some reassurance I guess.
So here’s my reading:
Card 1 ~ The Place of the Inner Flame (Fire)…The Banes (reversed). Yes, I do have a lot of feelings of hurt and a desire for revenge inside me concerning my ex and what he did to me and Elendil. Intuitively I realise I need to let go and do something about these feelings although I know revenge is not the answer. I need to try and work out these feelings with wisdom and compassion so I can move on because even though I try to ignore it this issue is a big blockage for me.
Card 2 ~ The Place of the Well (Water)…Flax (upright). The only upright card in the whole reading. Focuses on my feelings and emotions. What I’m getting from this card is that if I don’t give out positive energy and thoughts I will not receive them back. To be honest I don’t really feel connected to the web of life at all in some respects and this is causing a lot of inner blockages and an increase in my depression and anxiety. I worry that my goals and dreams will be unobtainable but if I truly believe in the connections within the web then they are possible. I doubt and I need to overcome this with trust – trusting myself, in others, in the God and Goddess and the Universe. This connects with the rune Ehwaz that I pulled last week.
Card 3 ~ The Place of the Sword (Air)…Mandrake (reversed). Yes indeed, I am obsessing over certain things – the issues with my ex, missing Meadowhawk so much, worrying over the future, moving onto the 2nd stage in my therapy, getting work in the future, my health, Elendil’s health etc. All these concerns are preoccupying me to the point that I feel completely stuck and cannot move from fear. Being concerned is normal but being overly concerned to the point of obsession is toxic. I have to try and gain some perspective and again, this is where trust keeps coming in.
Card 4 ~ The Place of the Stone (Earth)…The Restorers (reversed). Yes, I definitely feel out of balance and very anxious, which is making me feel like I’m sinking in quick sand. The card is spot on in its suggestion in using counselling, herbal medicine and life style changes to over come this. I’m already in therapy and it is obvious to me that I need to continue doing this. I also need to consider what practical steps I need to take to help myself.
Card 5 ~ The Place of Spirit…Agrimony (reversed). Again this card is spot on and really reveals the crux of the matter. Get rid once and for all the issues to do with my ex. I cannot go on any longer with his spectre hovering over me, it is not fair on me, or Elendil nor Meadowhawk. My lack of energy is directly linked with my depression. So lifestyle changes are in order (as per Card 4).
This reading was really insightful and helpful in that it highlighted the inner blockages that I really already knew I had. I guess I just wanted confirmation. It’s also helped me confront them and ask myself some hard questions. I can get rid of them but only if I put the leg work in. So, firstly I’m going to do some rituals to help free me of my hurt and resentment towards my ex. I’m also going to take some Bach Flower Remedies and eat and drink a little more healthily. I’ve decided to make myself get up by 9am each day and do small things that nurture myself (things I’ve been neglecting). I’m also going to try to get out of the house at least three times a week. I’ve been sleeping so much and getting tired and tired and I know this is a sign of depression and not the need for sleep.
I’ve got to remember though that I will not do all these things perfectly. I think that is one of my greatest problems. If I don’t make the mark then I get easily discouraged and think I’ve failed. So I need to be gentle with myself and on the days I slip I need to keep trying the next day. I know it won’t be easy but I have to try. If I keep active and busy I won’t have time to obsess about these things.
So, today I pulled my weekly rune and it was OTHALA. This rune is of the ancestral homeland, freedom and well-being. The sanctuary where one can truly grow. I feel that if I implement the things I’ve spoken of above then I will be free of depression, or at least fighting it (and winning), and I will be doing a lot for my own spiritual, mental and physical well-being.
Other questions to ponder regarding Othala are 1) What does my home mean to me? 2) What about my ancestral roots?