Elendil Star is not well. She has come down with some kind of summer cold; sore throat, headaches, shivers and feeling really unwell.
Meadowhawk is now back in the US and I am missing him so very much. The house seems so empty without him and I feel as if a part of myself has been torn away. I am coping with the separation though and it seems that the feelings of loss are coming over me in waves. But I’m quiet and rather pensive. Everything seems so different without him and sleeping alone in the bed is horrible…he is not there to cuddle and I miss that a lot.
But let’s be positive. He will be back for a much longer visit at Yule and then we are going to look into what is all needed for his immigration here. I know this process will take a little time, it always does but we can work one step at a time and if we do that and trust then all will be fine.
I have so loved having Meadowhawk here. He has taught me many things, not just about him but about myself too. I have really broken a big barrier within myself and am so proud of myself. Now I have to keep it up and I have to admit it would be easy to slip back into old patterns, especially right now when I’m feeling sad at him going back. But I am determined not to allow that to happen. I am going to continue the good patterns of living I started while he was here.
There were some anxious times during his visit but I think this is just were we were really getting to know each other physically, like really being together and getting used to each other’s little quirks etc. I know England and being with us was very different for him and he has to get used to it all. It’s different for me too, and Elendil. Us being on our own for so many years and now having a man around us. But there was nothing major, at least not in my mind. My illness acted up a bit on a couple of occasions but I realised that it was coming from me; how I perceived things and I also learnt that it was safe to talk to Meadowhawk about my feelings. I know he doesn’t always understand where I’m coming from but I think he has a pretty good idea and what is most important is that he listens.
He is pretty easy going except for when he wants to go somewhere and then he is like a ‘blue arsed fly’ and I have a job keeping up with him….LOL He also hates shopping even more than I do and is an absolute nightmare to go with. So we compromised and that is what being in a partnership is about isn’t it. He does his shopping and I do mine and we meet up afterwards. Or I give him a list…it’s easy to sort these little things out when both talk and compromise.
But on the fundamental things we are pretty much in agreement and have like minds in many things… and that is important. I think we both learned that he has to slow down a little and I have to not be so laid back (I can be practically horizontal at times). Then we meet in the middle and that is good. He is way not so emotional as me but maybe that’s just a ‘man’ thing. But I want him to remember that he can trust me and confide in me.
So, I am so thankful and grateful to the God and Goddess for blessing us to abundantly. For my dear, sweet Meadowhawk for bringing so much happiness and joy into my life. For my wonderful daughter Elendil – I am so very proud of her for so many things. The past two weeks have been absolutely wonderful but they went so fast. But I am honoured he was here and that we were so blessed. Now I’m counting down the weeks until his next visit – not so very long really.
I have been given the go-ahead to move onto Lesson 10 of the 2nd Degree and I think I’m really going to enjoy this one. It’s all about working with different deities. Right now I do work with some different deities but they are from the Celtic and Norse pantheons; Cerridwen, Cernunnos, Brighid and Thor. These are the two pantheons I am most drawn to because of my ancestral heritage. Somehow I feel a little uncomfortable mixing too many deities from different pantheons and really it is they that call me rather than the other way around. But I feel it is very useful to learn about different pantheons and see the similarities between them. I have to say that one Egyptian Goddess that stands out for me is Hathor right now and I feel moved to do more research on her. But I’m not moved to use the Egyptian pantheon as such in my spiritual ife.
I’ve also been thinking about the upcoming Full Moon Esbat. I don’t have a gold spell candle handy so am going to use orange as it’s a mixture of yellow and red and governed by Air and Fire. I have in mind my intentions for success in a few things – to be successful in my therapy, to be successful in continuing the positive things I began while Meadowhawk was here, to have a successful relationship with Meadowhawk and Elendil (my family), to be successful in returning to the Healing rituals or at least one of them, my studies and to be more organised. However, I’m wondering if that is too many. Anyway, I’m going to dress the orange spell candle with essential oils of orange (air and fire) and patchouli (earth). The esbat post says we need oak leaves to place around the spell candle but I am drawn to using beech leaves as beech is for wishes and somehow I feel this is more appropriate. I’m also going to make some more incense using beech that we made while Meadowhawk was here. I think that is very appropriate for a success incense.
So later on today Elendil (if she’s up to it) and I are going to our local park to collect some copper beech leaves from the magnificent tree there. It is truly beautiful so I will take a photo of it to show you all.