Not a great start to the day. I kept Meadowhawk awake all night with my snoring. I’m so embarrassed and angry with myself. He says it’s all ok and I shouldn’t worry but I do worry because I hate to be the one who stops him from sleeping. I don’t know what I can do about it either. I mean it’s not my fault I snore (he does too by the way). I feel just so embarrassed and negative thoughts started churning around in my head again. It took me a long while to get myself together and stop crying. I feel so stupid.
Anyway, I did finally get myself together and am feeling a little better now. I know that it is taking Meadowhawk a while to get used to everything. I worry that it is stressing him a lot and that he will change his mind or something. Well, I know that he won’t but my negative mind keeps sneaking that in and so I worry and get upset. I feel quite vulnerable and fragile. Of course it will take him time to get used to things here. A two week visit isn’t enough time to allow him to get used to things and things are very different here than what he’s used to. I need to TRUST. This is not easy for me…not that I don’t trust Meadowhawk because I do but I’ve been hurt so much in the past before and trusting doesn’t really come easy for me. But Meadowhawk is not those other men; he is unique and completely different. So I bear that in mind. I suppose trust is so hard to build up; how do you build it up again when for years you’ve distrusted everything…not just partners but everything. And we are now together and this is new for both of us and we have to get used to each others quirks. I’m sure it will all be ok. There is nothing about Meadowhawk that I find really hard or difficult. Sometimes I feel a little isolated from him but I think this is me isolating myself rather than the other way round. It has been so many years since I’ve physically been with anyone (a partner) that sometimes I just don’t know what to do or how to act. I guess it might probably be the same for him too.
All I know is that I’m taking on challenges I’ve not taken on in years and it is scary but wonderful at the same time. I love Meadowhawk with all my heart. Yes, he is different from me in some respects but I’d far rather he be different than the same. How awful it would be to have two people just like me…not good! I just have to learn his ways and he has to learn mine is all…but I’m not sure what I can do about my snoring though…LOL
So, while Elendil and he were out getting some food I decided to do some work on Lesson 9 of the 2nd Degree. I have to say this lesson is really interesting and I’ve realised that I actualy use all three stages of visualisation already and have been for some time although I’ve not known what they are called. But I’ve noticed that when using my senses in visualisation I’m good with ‘seeing’ but not good at taste or smell. I find it very hard to visualise and use smell and taste. However, I’m still keeping on practicing this. I’m sure it will come in time. I think the reason I find it easier to ‘see’ is that I am predominantly a visual learner, as well as an aural learner…so hearing comes quite easily in visualisation too. I can sense sounds as well.
Another thing that is quite a challenge is defining my concept of love. This took a lot of thought and visualisation too. Concepts are a lot harder to visualise I think which is why they come under the Ethereal stage of visualisation. I have to connect with my Higher Self to do this.
Anyway, that’s all for now.