Thursday 21st May 2009 ~ Waning Crescent Moon in Aries

I’ve been so busy and have not had chance to update my journal each day as I intended. Having Meadowhawk here is wonderful, exciting but still fraught with a little stress because we are just getting used to being together. Of course this is only to be expected and I think this feeling of stress is mainly on my part. I went to therapy on Tuesday and offloaded a lot of emotion and feelings. This was the first time I’ve actually wanted to go to therapy but I think this was because I felt the need to really get some help with my feelings and emotions. As soon as I got into the group I just balled my eyes out and sobbed but it was such a relief to get some support from other members of the group and the therapist.

I’ve come to the conclusion (with the help of the group) that I am well out of my ‘safe’ zone. For many months I’ve sat indoors and not ventured out save for going to therapy once a week. I’ve not even done any shopping, leaving that for Elendil to do. Now in just the past few days I’m going out here and there and mixing with people and being in the big wide world and this is overwhelming to me and scary and frightening. I’ve come out of an unhealthy situation that still felt safe to me and allowed myself to take a risk and confronted a huge challenge.

Plus getting used to being with a man again is a little overwhelming for me. Meadowhawk and I do know each other well as we talk so much on the phone since we’ve been together but this actually ‘being together’ is still new for both of us as it’s something we’ve not had in many years. So we have to get used to each others ways, quirks etc. I have felt quite stressed over this being frightened that he might leave and not want me any more as I have a huge fear of abandonment. But rather than worry about the future I need to remain rooted in the present and take things as they happen and also ‘talk’ to him when I’m feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed. We both have to make compromises. For example, we went out for a long walk yesterday and Meadowhawk walks REALLY fast whereas I cannot. It was really hard to keep up the pace but I know that rather than try and break my neck keeping up I can slow down a bit but still keep on the move. I think Meadowhawk needs to slow down a bit though, as he is so used to rushing around and he doesn’t need to now while he is on holiday. But I also realise that this is hard for him as he is so used to doing everything at a quick pace.

Our walk was lovely, even though we didn’t actually get to the place we were making for. We detoured and went a different way but still got to walk the winding country roads of Kent, walked through some woods, heard a cuckoo and saw many wild flowers and plants that I could identify from the Druid Oracle deck, even Deadly Nightshade. See, the way I see it is that if you walk too fast you miss things like this and that’s a shame.

I am VERY proud of myself though as I walked nearly 10 miles without moaning and griping but finally I could walk no more because I was so very sore and achy. Still, what an incredible achievement from doing nothing to walking that far in one day.

Today we are taking it easy, listening to Blue Grass music, which I LOVE, doing laundry and Meadowhawk is cooking. He is an excellent chef and makes absolutely delicious meals. Today we are having his special spaghetti sauce with Chianti and a nice tomato and mozzarella salad. I’m hungry already…LOL. So while he’s messing about in the kitchen I’ve done all the commenting for the Oracle Study and am taking the opportunity to update my journal while doing the laundry.

Here are some pictures:

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Me and Meadowhawk outside Victoria Station/London on the way back from the airport.

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Meadowhawk and Elendil Star

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Meadowhawk and I in the woods at Sutton-At-Hone

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Meadowhawk and Elendil on the woodland path…listening to the cuckoo

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Elendil straightened Meadowhawk’s hair and I braided his beard…what a sexy hunk of a man…all mine! 😀

On Saturday we are going to Highgate Cemetery in North London. This is a very famous cemetery, where Karl Marx is buried along side other famous people. The architecture of the tombs is very different and unusual and it is well worth a visit. After that we are going to stop off at Buckingham Palace and the Royal Mews so Meadowhawk can take photos of the soldiers in their bear skins (commonly called Busbies). I’m looking forward to this.

That’s all for now. Keep checking back for updates and more photos.



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