I have refrained from posting lately but quite frankly I need to off load into my journal. I am feeling so sad and angry with myself. I cannot really describe how I feel except it feels like this:
The words that come to mind are turmoils, frustration, sadness, fear, anxiety and punishment.
Why do I feel this way? Because of my own wrongly wired brain that’s why. Because sometimes I react in the wrong way rather than keeping calm. It is not always easy because my brain got wired wrongly from early childhood onwards. When one is being told one is worthless or no good, one eventually comes to believe it and that’s when the brain gets hard wired wrongly. Now I have to undo it all and rewire it correctly but I struggle with it. It’s not something that happens overnight or when another person expects it. It takes A LOT of self healing and struggle and I fear that at the moment I am losing the battle.
Another feeling is extreme anxiety of perceived abandonment. When I was little those who professed to love me used to withdraw their love from me if I was bad. So I was left with this indescribable fear of not being loved or wanted unless I was very good and did as I was told and acted how other’s expected me to act. Last night I reacted badly, for which I am very sorry. But now I feel like that little girl who lost those she loved the most. Now all I feel is panic. And because I am so used to blaming myself because that is what I used to think when I was young, now I feel like everything is my fault and I should punish myself. Hence the feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness.
I do not want to feel this way. Who on earth would? No one in their right mind would. But my mind does not work like other people’s. It is because I have an illness called EMOTIONAL ANXIETY PERSONALITY DISORDER. I don’t feel this way because I want to be difficult or a pain in the neck. I am this way because my thinking has been damaged from a young age and throughout my formative years. Now I have to heal but it takes a LONG time.
Yes, I do need support in order to do this but I also need understanding. Turning your back on me only makes the pain worse…much worse.
Last night and this morning I seriously thought about cutting myself again to punish myself for being such a horrible person. Everyone thinks I’m so strong but I’m not really. I am vulnerable too and sometimes very sensitive to people’s attitudes towards me. The inner child in me is fragile and desperately wants others approval and love.
I did not cut but my thoughts are turned towards hurting myself in some way and it is a real struggle not to do something. When I cut all the anger towards myself and those who hurt me and don’t understand is poured out in my blood and I feel release.
So why don’t I cut? Because I know it will not fix anything in the long run and I will upset and hurt those who love me. Do they love me? How can I be sure? What if they leave me like those in the past have? I have so much to give yet it seems to get thrown back at me.
I have been battling my negative thoughts all day by using affirmations continuously. I AM A GOOD, KIND, GENEROUS, FUNNY, SINCERE, STRONG, SENSITIVE CHILD OF THE GODDESS. I am NOT all those negative things my mind tells me I am. I have to fight my illness and I WILL RECOVER. It is possible and I will do it.
Meadowhawk’s visit has been put off again. Now he is not coming over until the middle of May. I am terribly disappointed because I had hoped he would be here by the end of next week. But he has to work and it is important he works all he can right now. And I do understand that. Work has not been kind to him recently what with waiting for it to come in and the bad weather and such. So I completely understand the need to postpone the visit for a couple of weeks. It’s not so bad really but I do hope and pray it goes ahead.